They traveled for forty days and forty nights across the raging desert to arrive at their destination – the Sheikh’s palace.

The Sheikh knew of Abu Falafel’s reputation as  the King’s personal friend and loyal adviser and did not want to offend him by refusing to marry his daughter to Falafel’s friend.

So, the wily Sheikh asked this of the prospective groom: “My daughter should be married into a healthy and hearty family – so I ask you this – you can have my daughter’s hand in marriage if each and every member of the marriage party eats one whole cooked goat, chewing it down to the bone.”

Mustafa lost all hope after hearing this – he simply thought that there was no way that each man, woman and child of the marriage party could eat a goat on their own.

But some of the members of the party did not want to give up so easily and knew that Abu Falafel would have the answer to this problem – he always has answers to all problems.

They  implored Abu Flafel, the wisest and holiest of men in all of Egypt, to help them out of this predicament. Abu Falafel thought about this for a moment – his face covered with his trademark pensive frown.

Then it hit him! He cleared his throat, as he is wont to before talking about matters eclectic and religious and said to the Sheikh – “Are you batshit crazy, you fucktard?”

There was much rejoicing. They walked back for forty days and forty nights. Mustafa never married.

He traveled for forty days and forty nights across the raging desert to arrive at his destination and lo and behold – he was confronted by Sphinx, the most elegant, powerful and intelligent of the beasts.

And the Sphinx said to Abu Falafel – “I am the mighty Sphinx – a beast amongst beasts. My power is unquestionable – even the gods fear me. None shall pass till they answer my riddle.

So mere mortal – answer this this riddle or prepare to die: What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs during the day and three legs in the evening?”

Abu Falafel knew that this was a easy question for a man of his learning and intelligence and he thought about this for a moment – his face covered with his trademark pensive frown.

Then it hit him! Abu Falafel, the most peace loving and patient man in the whole of Egypt,  looked calmly at the Sphinx – and shot it in the face with a .44 Magnum.

The Sphinx is still sore about it’s missing nose.

He had traveled for forty days and forty nights across the raging desert when he came upon his friend Mustfa’s (the other one) dwelling and decided to stay the night.

Mustafa (the other one) had just married the fairest damsel in the whole of Egypt, a girl whose beauty was only matched by her virtuousness as a maiden.

Mustafa (the other one’s) wife knew of Abu Falafel’s reputation as a wise and learned man, for whom no problem was difficult and so she asked him this privately – “Oh Abu Falafel! I love my husband Mustafa (the other one) – he is an honest and good man. But he asks me to do things in the bed that no girl with my sensitive background would have even heard of! For example, he once asked me to <beep> <beep> panties <beep> paddle <beep> <beep> <beep>. Oh sage man – what shall I do?”

Abu Falafel thought about this damsel’s distress and pitied her predicament. He knew that he had to solve the problem of this fair lady – one who had never heard such crudness in her life -  his face covered with his trademark pensive frown.

Then it hit him! Abu Falafel, the most wholesome and proper of all men in Egypt, looked compassionately at the young bride and said – “Baby, it only seems kinky the first time.”

Mustafa (the other one) is a very happy man.

Saw a stall by Peoples For Animals with puppies for adoption.

Pointed to a cue Labrador puppy and said – “I’ll take that one. Medium Rare.”

I’m not welcome at the flea market anymore.

The girl directing the shoot (or the cameramen) did not know anything about Poker and they asked us just to play normally and they’d shoot what they like.

Ten minutes into the shoot, this happens:

Director Girl: Umm…guys, I’m sorry to interrupt your game and I hope you don’t take this the wrong way – but we’re not getting any expressions on your faces.

Me: Thanks!

So, these guys make us repeat deal after deal, hand after hand, round after round – sometimes because they wanted a safety shot and sometimes because they did not get the shot from the right angle.

I turn over to a friend and whisper: “If these guys started shooting porn – they’d just wear the actors out.”

The friend looks at me and smiles slowly – and then points to his neck – lo and behold – a collar mic!

I look at the Director Girl sheepishly and she just shakes her head slowly and says “The things I hear on these shoots”…

Where everybody knows you name. And they’re always glad you came.

Friend 1: I want to learn the Salsa.

Friend 2: Hey – I’ll teach you – I know how to dance the Salsa, Merengue and Swing.

Friend 1: No you don’t. You get drunk after six tequilas and you think you know how to dance.

I am christening this the “Six Tequila Swing”.

I think all of us know how to dance this one.

Hutch: Sure. Let me check…

[Hold of about a minute]

Hutch: Sir, this service is no longer available.

Me: Since when has this service not been available?

Hutch: For the last four months.

Me: Ok. In that case why have I been charged for this service if it is actually not available?

Hutch: Hmm…yes, that doesn’t sound right. I’ve taken down your complaint – we’ll cancel this service on your account and any excess charges will be refunded to your account. These changes will reflect in your next billing statement

Me: Thanks! That’s why I love you guys.

Me: Hi! I had called last month regarding reversal of charges for the Phone Backup Service.

Vodafone: Let me check.

[Hold for a couple of minutes]

Vodafone: I see that charges for that month have been reversed.

Me: Yes. But I see that you have charged me for the same service this month.

Vodafone: Let me see.

[Hold for a minute]

Vodafone: Sir, I would like to inform you that the Phone Backup Service is no longer available.

Me: I know that. That is why I am trying to get charges for this non-existent service reversed.

Vodafone: Sir, you should cancel this service so that you are not charged for it.

Me: I need to cancel a service that you do not offer? Ok. Please cancel this service on my account.

Vodafone: Please hold a minute while I take down your request.

[Hold]

Vodafone: Sir, I’m sorry – I cannot cancel this service on your account.

Me: Why?

Vodafone: Since this service is no longer available, I can’t take any requests for this service, including cancellations.

At that point I remembered that I am a Punjab Da Puttar and what followed were the choicest Hindi expletives. Vodafone was then…er…”Happy To Help” and promised to cancel the service and reverse all charges.